The rhythms get me through. The sound of my feet on the pavement, the bounce of the ball of the raquet the thud of the football into my brothers hands. The beat of the music on the radio, tho its pretty painful music in this town. The radio stations are the kind that take the new songs and play them so often you are forced to hate them, no matter how much you liked them when they came out. Typical human nature tho,find something good and then try and replay it until its dead.

Keeping active makes me feel alive and I love it. I need it.

I haven’t relapsed in a week. And last time it wasn’t that bad. It was mostly exam stress and lack of sleep. Things like that make it a lot harder to control your emotions and mind. I was doing really well. I made it through three exams in a row without a break down. May not seem like a big deal to most but it was for me. I was proud. But the last one, it kicked my ass. I let it. I was tired and stressed and I was practicing my breathing and positive thinking and doing an amazing job. Then i started to cry in the study lounge, out of no where. I went and sat against a wall outside the room and calmed myself down. It worked for a few minutes but then the tears came back and I repeated this cycle three times before I called it quits. I was up until 3:30am crying until 1:30 but G was there on the phone, he calmed me down and talked to me until I felt better. People like him make me feel so lucky. I never thought that telling him about my depression would be a good idea, i thought he would leave. Not because of his character, I just didnt think I was worth the effort. But not only did he stay, hes there for me whenever I need him no matter how hard it may be for him. It amazes me :)

After 6+ phone calls a day to my mom and chickflick, music, and stretching breaks I made it through. Now I’m moved home and feeling fairly balanced but still tired. 

Im going to costa rica in a week! I am so excited. Also scared that I might relapse, but i feel like it will be difficult to be sad in such a beautiful new place. It will be an amazing experience and hopefully exactly what i need :)

(via gildedwanderlust)

(via tellherstory)

I want to escape

I want to fly like a bird

I’ll dive at the ground 

veering up just in time

feel the fear

.

I want be like the man

who lived in the wild

burned all his wealth

left it all and tried

.

I’m so tired of this circle

I dont remember where to find up

I’m dizzy and restless

I’ve had enough

. 

I feel so incomplete

like my own skin is wrong

Let me decode this life

before it is gone

lately I have been doing okay. Kind of on a bumpy up hill. Im finding that being depressed/ having my depression as a reason  fro my difficulties has become something that I got comfortable falling back on. 

Some days I know that I am ‘letting’ myself be sad, and its not actually a relapse. After a while you begin to notice the difference. And i think I am going through a good phase. I just need to find the courage to accept that things will not be perfect. That I’m not perfect. And even when I can’t fall back on a clinical diagnosis having emotions doesn’t make me crazy.

I feel guilty for feeling too happy, or too sad, or too agitated. I’m afraid of these things because it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, like im not  in control. 

But I am. I have proven that relapse after relapse that I can handle this. I can handle anything. I will learn to feel with out second guessing it. I will learn to automatically have positive thoughts instead of negative ones. And i will learn to love myself so i no longer have so much doubt that someone else could love me. 

(via alisonlk)